As many of you know, I've been internally struggling with a lot of issues lately. I've felt pulled in a million different directions, but have avoided taking taking time to sit down and focus honestly because I'm afraid to see my true self in the presence of God. So, I wanted to explain in detail some of my struggles and what God has done for me through them...and is still teaching me daily.
At the center of all this is my search for independence. Everyone my age wants this in some way, shape, or form as soon as they turn 18. We'll all say that we want to to move out and be free to make our own decisions and, granted, that truly is part of it. But deep down, we jsut don't want to be told what to do anymore. Our parents have rules laid out and, when enforced or reminded, all we desire, then, is to do the exact opposite because "we're adults now and can decide for ourselves." So, we get a fast job and apartment or move into a dorm at college so as to separate from the orders...only to find the massive onset of bills, the manager person that seems to be the most finicky, demanding person on earth, the professor that assigns all too much homework (and really just doesn't like you), and the RA/Landlord that's always checking in to make sure your belongings are in order! The bottom line is, the 'freedom' we keep vying for is to just do whatever our little hearts please, thinking we already have all the answers. The truth is, we never will. 1 Corinthians 8:2 says that, "If anyone imagines he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know."
The other issue for me lately has been weakness in the face of temptation. I've never been exceptionally strong in that area, but I've fancied myself to be all too often. And usually as soon as I do, I fall flat on my face. I know it's not an excuse, but the hardest thing for me is that I'm a people pleaser, and to the exceptionally high extremes, and I'll admit, it's because I fail to see the sufficiency of God in my life. He loves me more than any human could in reality, but I constantly fail to see this...I bend over backwards constantly to be the person I think people want me to be, only for the sake of approval and false popularity. Not to say that I've lied to anyone (far from it), but that I tend to stay quiet about things I know we wouldn't agree on and so forth. To put it bluntly, I need to make major changes to find my fulfillment in God and not the approval of others. It was in light of this that I cut down on my friends list a great deal to aid with this separation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds me that, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man, God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
So, in all of this, I stand before God and the world a wretched sinner. I'm a liar, user, player, rebel, cheat, sloth, glutton, hater, violator - you name it. I've done all, whether intentionally or not, o only in my mind. But for all I've done, I've repented and am continually confessing my faults to my Lord and Savior, the One who took all of this and more upon Himself to spare me the punishment that a lowly worm as I fully deserve, but have been forgiven of.
"So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others, I myself should be disqualified." 1 Cor. 9:16
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